Expectations and Communication

Expectations – a strong belief that something will happen or belief that something should be a certain way.

1. Realities that influence relational expectations:
• God created us uniquely, we each think and process life differently.
• Remember men and women are wired very differently.
• We attach different meanings to the same words.

The world’s expectations are not Biblical in nature.
• “Life should be fair and people should get along.”
• “If you truly loved me you would agree with me.”
• “If I just find my soulmate it will be easy.”

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” Albert Einstein
• On top of misaligned expectations, we battle our sin nature and a spiritual enemy.

Ephesians 6:11-12 (NIV) Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
• Satan is the Father of lies, don’t listen to him! Our struggle is not against our loved ones.

2. To have appropriate expectations, we must align with God’s Word.

Matthew 22:37-40 (NIV) Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
• Relationship is necessary to fulfill what God has called us to do. That’s why isolation is destructive. It keeps us from God’s will.
• The Bible gives us principles that help us form appropriate expectations.

Colossians 3:12-13 (NIV) Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
• These principles reflect the heart of God.

3. What breeds healthy communication?
– Healthy communication starts with the motive of your heart.
If we want healthy relationships, we must die to our fleshly desires to be right, die to being in control and demanding perfection of others that we can’t even achieve ourselves.

Psalm 139:23(NIV) – Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Matthew 7:3-5(NIV) – “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

“Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” if your heart is not in a good place then best not to speak!

James 3:17-18 (NIV) But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.
• The Holy Spirit is aligned with God and therefore produces Godly fruit in those yielded to Him.

– Healthy communication requires good listening.

James 1:19 (ESV) Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.

Proverbs 18:2 (NIV) Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.
• “Help me understand what you mean.” Don’t assume.

• Healthy communication requires self-control in your response.
  Proverbs 25:28(ESV) A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.

Proverbs 15:28 (NIV) The heart of the righteous weighs its answers but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.
• Self-control doesn’t mean to not respond. It means my response will be from a loving heart.

– Healthy communication is seeking what is best for another person.

Romans 12:9-10 (NIV) Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

– Healthy communication is other centered and is an effective way to show love.

Ephesians 4:15 (NLT) Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.

6 things to apply:

• Don’t isolate. Fight the right way for relationship.
• Practice asking: “Help me understand what you mean?”
• Practice asking: “What did you hear me say?”
• The enemy pushes us to anger or silence. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.
• If you need help, get it. Those around you will love you for it!
• Practice seeking reconciliation, not isolation.

Life Group Questions:
1. When you communicate what is your goal? (such as – to be heard or to understand the other person) How do you know if you have understood what someone meant?
2. What can be challenges to communicating well? What can be helpful to clear and kind communication?
3. Look at Matthew 7:3-5 & 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. How can these passages give guidance when we have unmet expectations or miscommunication?
4. How can you be more aware of your communication or expectations in your closest relationships? What skills or help do you need to fight for relationship well at this point in your life?